Hudson's Arrival

I know it's been a while and I feel the need to express my emotions during this time.  I feel its the only way to release.

Backing up a bit, Jake and I did not have an easy time getting pregnant.   It took us 18 months and I know for some that doesn't seem very long but when you are going through it yourself every month that goes by without sucess is heartbreaking, especially when it's something you want so bad.  We did doctors appointments and after 2 rounds of clomid we were successful.   I remember waking up on a Saturday feeling like I should take a test (slightly hesitant in fear that it might be negative) and to my surprise it was positive. The emotions I felt at that exact moment were unforgettable and overwhelming.   "Now what?" "Is this real?" My eyes filled with tears and I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I went upstairs to find Jake (who was still sleeping) and started laughing.  He could not understand what could be so funny at 7:30 in the morning.  He was shocked.  I remember him wiping his eyes several times wondering if what he was seeing was real.  We hugged and laughed and there was just something about this little secret of ours that brought us closer.

We found out the Saturday before Thanksgiving, but our little secret did not last long.  We were so excited I had ordered shirts off Amazon for the big reveal and once they came (I tracked that package everyday) I wanted to tell.  So, we decided to wear our shirts out to our parents house.  We showed up wearing sweatshirts and after we felt it was the right time we claimed we were hott and removed our sweatshirts.  It took a while for both of our parents to notice, needless to say they were so excited.  We told the rest of the family at Christmas a few weeks later.

Ultrasounds are the best! Everytime I got to see him, I would fill with uncontrollable emotions and laugh with tears streaming down my face.  I'm sure the ultrasound tech was irritated because my stomach would bounce with laughter.  I've always wanted an older brother ever since I've seen the bond between my good friend Alexa and ger older brother Erik.  I always wanted to have a boy first ever since then, but as we were getting closer to finding out I was secretly hoping for a girl.  In the end I knew it didn't matter.  We found out on a Wednesday and had to keep the secret until Thursday the next day.  You wouldn't think a day would be that hard but once you know it's a him, he is no longer an it.  That Thursday was my mom's birthday so we had her cut the cake!  It's a BOY!!



So time was passing and I was growing.  Swelling in my feet and ankles were getting the best of me.   Around thirty weeks time started slowing down.  Weeks were going slow but the reality of having a baby in 10 weeks was getting real and it seemed so close.  A lot of my friends were getting close or already having their babies and I'll admit I was wishing I was closer.  Little did I know I did not have ten weeks left, nor did I have 5 like I thought I  did.  I had just hit my 35th week and all was well.  We went camping that weekend in Idaho and also went down to Salt Lake City to see my cousins baby who had just been born.  We came home Sunday night and I felt great.  I had been cramping a little bit but thought it was no big deal and that my body was just changing to get ready for delivery.  They didnt hurt, just a little annoying.

I went into work Monday morning, did the usual routine.  I was working front desk and I was talking to my mom saying I was having cramps and she said just be careful and I told the girls at work about my cramping and back pain also, nothing seemed abnormal.  I got up to shut the front door and I felt a little trickle run down my leg.  I thought "you have got to be kidding me!? Did I just pee myself a little?"  I took another step and thats when the dam broke.  Uncontrollable liquid running down my legs.   I was soaked!  I stood there confused as what to do thinking "how am I going to make it back to the bathroom without anybody seeing me?"  We had patients but we weren't that busy.  THANK GOODNESS!!  I headed back to the bathroom confused  because I felt fine, just looked like I peed my pants.  I went to the bathroom and did go pee. I thought to myself okay, I couldn't have just peed my pants because who can pee that much!? So I called Jake and told him I think my water broke.
Jake: You think or you know?
Me: I think so....I couldn't stop it and it was a lot.
Jake: ....Okay well I'll call Clydelle (his aunt) and she will come get you and meet me at home.

The thing is, this week we were going to get everything done. Insurance, carpet in babies room, bags packed, and all the other small details.  None of that happened!  Our bags were almost packed and his room was getting closer, but we weren't ready.  We rounded everything up within ten minutes and were about to leave almost forgetting the carseat.   We grabbed it and left.  We got to the hospital around noon and I got into the room and they were checking me to make sure my water really did break.  The first test came back negative, I was like WTH if my water didn't break then what the heck was that!?  I was starting to feel real dumb. She did a second test that takes 20 min to see the results and she also checked my cervix.  If my water broke fluid would come out when she checked me, it didnt.  I was dilated to a one and 30% thinned out.  After she left and came back I told her I had leaked fluid, this time it was pink. TMI I  know...SORRY!!
She re did the first test and it came back positive, checked the second one and it was positive as well.  We were going to have a baby soon!

Because my water broke we had to get the baby out and there was no stalling,  we had to get this baby out.  Problem is... I wasn't progressing, they had to give me patocin. I would guess I got the patocin around 3 and I was feeling these lovely contractions. I still wasnt progressing like I should so they kept upping the dose.  I was in pain!!  Since I was still only at a one, but 70% thinned out I couldn't get an epidural.  My contractions were coming on so hard and so close together I just wanted to cry.  In got an IV pain reliever called fentinol or something and that was supposed to take the "edge" off.  It didn't.  It just made me really loopy and tired.  Around 10:30 they checked me and I was now dialated to a three. I said give me the epidural.  I was then at peace.  Almost 12 hours of labor with no epidural,  I thought that was pretty good.  I still wasn't moving like I should so they kept upping the dose of patocin.  I didn't care, I couldn't feel it.  Around three o clock I woke up to 4 nurses coming into my room.  Babies heart rate had dropped because he couldn't handle the stress of the hard and fast contractions.  They moved me into a few different positions and nothing was working so they put me on oxygen and  gave me a shot to stop the contractions and took me off patocin.  My body stopped contracting all together. So..... they put me back on patocin, a lighter dose. The monitor wasn't reading my contractions very well so they insurted a stem type thing that goes up into my uterus and by the baby.  The nurses came in around 6 and asked if I wanted them to check me.  I said yes.  I was fully dialated and ready to go.  They made me wait until 7 before I started pushing so that my body could move him down the birth canal a little further on its own.

I started pushing just after 7.  After about 6 contractions baby boy was here.  He had the cord wrapped around his neckd his face was blue but once that was removed he let out this unforgettable little cry.  I started crying and they put him on my chest.  He was sticky and white and I just remember my right hand holding his little bum.  I didn't get a good look at him because my eyes were filled with tears and 20 seconds later they took him from me.  I could still see him and his little body over with the nurses, he looked so tiny.  They had put him on oxygen.  They then took him away completely and took Jake also down to the NICU.  After about 15 minutes Jakee back to the room.  Baby boy weighed 5 lbs 13.1 ounces and 19 inches long!! We were thrilled considering we thought he was only going to weigh about 5 lbs.  They finished me up and put me in a wheel chair to go see my baby. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to see.  My newborn baby boy hooked up to all these wires.  I couldn't hold him and could barely touch him.  It was so hard to take in that we didnt stay long, besides that we were exhausted. We headed back up to our room.  Nurses kept saying you guys need to sleep and get your rest.  How in the heck am I supposed to do that when you keep coming in every hour!?  We didn't sleep much that day but planned on getting a good sleep that night.  I went down to see Hudson around 8 that night and the nurse let me hold him for the first time.  It was very emotional.  We slept great that night...considering.

Now going into the rough part.  I hold him, I see him, I touch him.  I don't feel like he's mine. He got takin away from me so quickly that everything feels like a blur.  Was I really pregnant? Did I just go through 21 hours of labor? Is that my baby? My whole pregnancy seemed to be a dream.  I cherished every minute I got to see and hold him but it still doesn't feel real and I feel guilty for saying that.  I thought to myself I'm going to be okay going home without him, he is in good hands and he will be okay.  Besides that, it didn't seem real.  I think I was kind of in a state of shock with the whole thing. I seemed okay on the outside but I think thats because my mind didn't know how to handle it. I came to the realization that we were not going to go home with him minutes after he was born.  He is such a strong little boy and I know he is fighting his hardest.  I cannot hold him long or do any motherly duties like bath him or change his diapers or even feed him.  I think that is the hardest part and the biggest reason I felt that he wasn't mine.  So we had him Tuesday morning and Wednesday I was ready to go home. They said I could stay until Thursday morning and then they could transfer me to another room for a "hotel stay" for 15$ a night.  We figured we have family close enough and we don't live too far that we would make it work.  We pack up our bags and head down to see him one last time before we leave.  He's doing good, still on a ventilator and still pretty sedated.  We said our good byes and headed for the door. As soon as we walk out that door emotions took over and I lost it.  This isn't how its supposed to be! I'm his mom and I shouldn't be going home without him.  He is mine.  Nobody can prepare you for this... nobody.  It is the hardest walk I have ever had to make.

We headed to our uncle's house to pick up Oakley.  She was so excited to see us.   We came home and wound down a little bit and then headed to bed.  All three of us laying there, I thought this is us, we're back together....but then again we aren't, something was missing.   There was no baby in my belly, he wasn't here.  I lost it again.  This is sooo hard.  I have the biggest supporter and that is Jake.   Watching him go through this emotional time with me brings out a whole other side of him.  He is my rock.  I love him more than words can explain.  He is already the best daddy and so protective.  He watches out for me and helps me every way possible.  We are taking this day by day.  I know one day Hudson will be home, pulling all the tupperwear out of the kitched drawers.   Until then we pray.  I know Heavenly Father has a big part in this and he is looking over our little family.  Thanks for all your support.  We really appreciate it.
xoxo