We made it out of the NICU!! Happy Day! So Hudson is 3 weeks old tomorrow. Those three weeks have flown by so fast, it’s crazy. We have had quiet the time trying to adjust. It is a blessing in disguise having a baby in the NICU, it does give your body time to heal and get some rest.
So Hudson had an pneumonia and was really sick (they actually didn’t tell us how sick he was until later). For the first few days he had a ventilator that went down into his lungs so he could breath. He also had a breathing tube. They had a little suction thing that went down the tube to get out all the mucous, he was very wheezy and you could feel it when you put your hand on his chest. Once that was all gone they put a c pap machine on him, which is just a constant flow of oxygen to make sure he’s getting what he needs. That wasn’t on long before they put the ventilator back in. A few short days later he was starting to look yellow. He was getting Jaundice. They had him under the lights for only a day in a half. They said it usually takes about 3. I was thrilled. He was then back on the c pap for a few and they had moved the feeding tube from his mouth, down to his belly button. Once everything was cleared up and he could regulate
body temperature and no more infections or Jaundice, they moved him to a different crib (a smaller clear box that didn’t have a ton of cords). He then just needed to gain weight to leave.
They then put the feeding tube in his nose because it was a lot more comfortable then hanging out his mouth. We thought we were on the home stretch, come to find out feedings are what can keep a baby there the longest. At that point we had already been there about a week. It was so hard watching him eat. He would take a few sucks, then stop, few sucks, stop. The doctors told us that he needed to eat 40 ml every feeding for 48 hrs in order for him to get discharged. They took out the feeding tube because he was doing so well, but then he had three low feedings in a row and they put it back in. We were then bottle feeding what he would eat and then put the rest through the tube. Then we hit our one week mark and our amount went up to 55 ml. I thought, that is impossible. My poor boy is just barely eating 40 and you want him to jump up to 55?! Feeding him took a lot of effort and coaching with techniques. The doctor than gave us a little
leeway, he could now eat 55 ml give or take 10 ml. We were thrilled. At that point, the bare minimum was enough. We wanted him home so bad. It was so hard knowing that he was still in the NICU, not because he was sick, but because he wouldn’t eat. He would get too tired. We were about to hit our two week mark, and Jake and I were thinking we were probably going to be there another week. Sunday morning on the 12th Jake got a text from Hudson’s doctor asking us if we wanted to take a baby home today. We were thrilled!!!
We couldn’t get to the hospital soon enough. We got there around 11 and hung out for a while. The nurse read us all our discharge papers and we met with the doctor. We left around four. It was so nice to have him in OUR car, in OUR care, and under OUR supervision. The best way I know how to describe that whole visit was that I was going to somebody else’s house to visit somebody else’s baby. I went there everyday and sat in his room for about 8 hrs. Jake would go there on his lunch and I would stay until he got off work and we would still hang out for a little while.
This first week home has sure been challenging. I always thought having a baby would be fun and exciting. Honestly, it is very demanding and exhausting. I have never been so tired in my life. Although, he is the cutest little turd and I love him with all my heart. When he gives me that little smirk, I can’t help but smile. He brings so much joy to our lives and I love watching Jake be a father. He will get up in the middle of the night to care for him when he has to go to work the next day. Jake is such an amazing dad and Hudson is so lucky to have him. This little journey of ours has definatly been a test. I hope we passed! It sure has made mine and Jakes relationship stronger. You know how they say how once you’re a mom you never find time for yourself. Well, that is true. Today my son got a bath and I didn’t. I barely got the dishes done, I never got dressed for the day and I almost forgot to eat. All in all, I am so very
grateful that he is in our lives. I still look at him somedays wondering how I got so lucky. How I got so lucky to have such an amazing husband and such a sweet little boy. Life can be tricky sometimes, but we always figure it out.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Hudson's Arrival
I know it's been a while and I feel the need to express my emotions during this time. I feel its the only way to release.
Backing up a bit, Jake and I did not have an easy time getting pregnant. It took us 18 months and I know for some that doesn't seem very long but when you are going through it yourself every month that goes by without sucess is heartbreaking, especially when it's something you want so bad. We did doctors appointments and after 2 rounds of clomid we were successful. I remember waking up on a Saturday feeling like I should take a test (slightly hesitant in fear that it might be negative) and to my surprise it was positive. The emotions I felt at that exact moment were unforgettable and overwhelming. "Now what?" "Is this real?" My eyes filled with tears and I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I went upstairs to find Jake (who was still sleeping) and started laughing. He could not understand what could be so funny at 7:30 in the morning. He was shocked. I remember him wiping his eyes several times wondering if what he was seeing was real. We hugged and laughed and there was just something about this little secret of ours that brought us closer.
We found out the Saturday before Thanksgiving, but our little secret did not last long. We were so excited I had ordered shirts off Amazon for the big reveal and once they came (I tracked that package everyday) I wanted to tell. So, we decided to wear our shirts out to our parents house. We showed up wearing sweatshirts and after we felt it was the right time we claimed we were hott and removed our sweatshirts. It took a while for both of our parents to notice, needless to say they were so excited. We told the rest of the family at Christmas a few weeks later.
Ultrasounds are the best! Everytime I got to see him, I would fill with uncontrollable emotions and laugh with tears streaming down my face. I'm sure the ultrasound tech was irritated because my stomach would bounce with laughter. I've always wanted an older brother ever since I've seen the bond between my good friend Alexa and ger older brother Erik. I always wanted to have a boy first ever since then, but as we were getting closer to finding out I was secretly hoping for a girl. In the end I knew it didn't matter. We found out on a Wednesday and had to keep the secret until Thursday the next day. You wouldn't think a day would be that hard but once you know it's a him, he is no longer an it. That Thursday was my mom's birthday so we had her cut the cake! It's a BOY!!
So time was passing and I was growing. Swelling in my feet and ankles were getting the best of me. Around thirty weeks time started slowing down. Weeks were going slow but the reality of having a baby in 10 weeks was getting real and it seemed so close. A lot of my friends were getting close or already having their babies and I'll admit I was wishing I was closer. Little did I know I did not have ten weeks left, nor did I have 5 like I thought I did. I had just hit my 35th week and all was well. We went camping that weekend in Idaho and also went down to Salt Lake City to see my cousins baby who had just been born. We came home Sunday night and I felt great. I had been cramping a little bit but thought it was no big deal and that my body was just changing to get ready for delivery. They didnt hurt, just a little annoying.
I went into work Monday morning, did the usual routine. I was working front desk and I was talking to my mom saying I was having cramps and she said just be careful and I told the girls at work about my cramping and back pain also, nothing seemed abnormal. I got up to shut the front door and I felt a little trickle run down my leg. I thought "you have got to be kidding me!? Did I just pee myself a little?" I took another step and thats when the dam broke. Uncontrollable liquid running down my legs. I was soaked! I stood there confused as what to do thinking "how am I going to make it back to the bathroom without anybody seeing me?" We had patients but we weren't that busy. THANK GOODNESS!! I headed back to the bathroom confused because I felt fine, just looked like I peed my pants. I went to the bathroom and did go pee. I thought to myself okay, I couldn't have just peed my pants because who can pee that much!? So I called Jake and told him I think my water broke.
Jake: You think or you know?
Me: I think so....I couldn't stop it and it was a lot.
Jake: ....Okay well I'll call Clydelle (his aunt) and she will come get you and meet me at home.
The thing is, this week we were going to get everything done. Insurance, carpet in babies room, bags packed, and all the other small details. None of that happened! Our bags were almost packed and his room was getting closer, but we weren't ready. We rounded everything up within ten minutes and were about to leave almost forgetting the carseat. We grabbed it and left. We got to the hospital around noon and I got into the room and they were checking me to make sure my water really did break. The first test came back negative, I was like WTH if my water didn't break then what the heck was that!? I was starting to feel real dumb. She did a second test that takes 20 min to see the results and she also checked my cervix. If my water broke fluid would come out when she checked me, it didnt. I was dilated to a one and 30% thinned out. After she left and came back I told her I had leaked fluid, this time it was pink. TMI I know...SORRY!!
She re did the first test and it came back positive, checked the second one and it was positive as well. We were going to have a baby soon!
Because my water broke we had to get the baby out and there was no stalling, we had to get this baby out. Problem is... I wasn't progressing, they had to give me patocin. I would guess I got the patocin around 3 and I was feeling these lovely contractions. I still wasnt progressing like I should so they kept upping the dose. I was in pain!! Since I was still only at a one, but 70% thinned out I couldn't get an epidural. My contractions were coming on so hard and so close together I just wanted to cry. In got an IV pain reliever called fentinol or something and that was supposed to take the "edge" off. It didn't. It just made me really loopy and tired. Around 10:30 they checked me and I was now dialated to a three. I said give me the epidural. I was then at peace. Almost 12 hours of labor with no epidural, I thought that was pretty good. I still wasn't moving like I should so they kept upping the dose of patocin. I didn't care, I couldn't feel it. Around three o clock I woke up to 4 nurses coming into my room. Babies heart rate had dropped because he couldn't handle the stress of the hard and fast contractions. They moved me into a few different positions and nothing was working so they put me on oxygen and gave me a shot to stop the contractions and took me off patocin. My body stopped contracting all together. So..... they put me back on patocin, a lighter dose. The monitor wasn't reading my contractions very well so they insurted a stem type thing that goes up into my uterus and by the baby. The nurses came in around 6 and asked if I wanted them to check me. I said yes. I was fully dialated and ready to go. They made me wait until 7 before I started pushing so that my body could move him down the birth canal a little further on its own.
I started pushing just after 7. After about 6 contractions baby boy was here. He had the cord wrapped around his neckd his face was blue but once that was removed he let out this unforgettable little cry. I started crying and they put him on my chest. He was sticky and white and I just remember my right hand holding his little bum. I didn't get a good look at him because my eyes were filled with tears and 20 seconds later they took him from me. I could still see him and his little body over with the nurses, he looked so tiny. They had put him on oxygen. They then took him away completely and took Jake also down to the NICU. After about 15 minutes Jakee back to the room. Baby boy weighed 5 lbs 13.1 ounces and 19 inches long!! We were thrilled considering we thought he was only going to weigh about 5 lbs. They finished me up and put me in a wheel chair to go see my baby. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. My newborn baby boy hooked up to all these wires. I couldn't hold him and could barely touch him. It was so hard to take in that we didnt stay long, besides that we were exhausted. We headed back up to our room. Nurses kept saying you guys need to sleep and get your rest. How in the heck am I supposed to do that when you keep coming in every hour!? We didn't sleep much that day but planned on getting a good sleep that night. I went down to see Hudson around 8 that night and the nurse let me hold him for the first time. It was very emotional. We slept great that night...considering.
Now going into the rough part. I hold him, I see him, I touch him. I don't feel like he's mine. He got takin away from me so quickly that everything feels like a blur. Was I really pregnant? Did I just go through 21 hours of labor? Is that my baby? My whole pregnancy seemed to be a dream. I cherished every minute I got to see and hold him but it still doesn't feel real and I feel guilty for saying that. I thought to myself I'm going to be okay going home without him, he is in good hands and he will be okay. Besides that, it didn't seem real. I think I was kind of in a state of shock with the whole thing. I seemed okay on the outside but I think thats because my mind didn't know how to handle it. I came to the realization that we were not going to go home with him minutes after he was born. He is such a strong little boy and I know he is fighting his hardest. I cannot hold him long or do any motherly duties like bath him or change his diapers or even feed him. I think that is the hardest part and the biggest reason I felt that he wasn't mine. So we had him Tuesday morning and Wednesday I was ready to go home. They said I could stay until Thursday morning and then they could transfer me to another room for a "hotel stay" for 15$ a night. We figured we have family close enough and we don't live too far that we would make it work. We pack up our bags and head down to see him one last time before we leave. He's doing good, still on a ventilator and still pretty sedated. We said our good byes and headed for the door. As soon as we walk out that door emotions took over and I lost it. This isn't how its supposed to be! I'm his mom and I shouldn't be going home without him. He is mine. Nobody can prepare you for this... nobody. It is the hardest walk I have ever had to make.
We headed to our uncle's house to pick up Oakley. She was so excited to see us. We came home and wound down a little bit and then headed to bed. All three of us laying there, I thought this is us, we're back together....but then again we aren't, something was missing. There was no baby in my belly, he wasn't here. I lost it again. This is sooo hard. I have the biggest supporter and that is Jake. Watching him go through this emotional time with me brings out a whole other side of him. He is my rock. I love him more than words can explain. He is already the best daddy and so protective. He watches out for me and helps me every way possible. We are taking this day by day. I know one day Hudson will be home, pulling all the tupperwear out of the kitched drawers. Until then we pray. I know Heavenly Father has a big part in this and he is looking over our little family. Thanks for all your support. We really appreciate it.
xoxo
Backing up a bit, Jake and I did not have an easy time getting pregnant. It took us 18 months and I know for some that doesn't seem very long but when you are going through it yourself every month that goes by without sucess is heartbreaking, especially when it's something you want so bad. We did doctors appointments and after 2 rounds of clomid we were successful. I remember waking up on a Saturday feeling like I should take a test (slightly hesitant in fear that it might be negative) and to my surprise it was positive. The emotions I felt at that exact moment were unforgettable and overwhelming. "Now what?" "Is this real?" My eyes filled with tears and I did not know whether to laugh or cry. I went upstairs to find Jake (who was still sleeping) and started laughing. He could not understand what could be so funny at 7:30 in the morning. He was shocked. I remember him wiping his eyes several times wondering if what he was seeing was real. We hugged and laughed and there was just something about this little secret of ours that brought us closer.
We found out the Saturday before Thanksgiving, but our little secret did not last long. We were so excited I had ordered shirts off Amazon for the big reveal and once they came (I tracked that package everyday) I wanted to tell. So, we decided to wear our shirts out to our parents house. We showed up wearing sweatshirts and after we felt it was the right time we claimed we were hott and removed our sweatshirts. It took a while for both of our parents to notice, needless to say they were so excited. We told the rest of the family at Christmas a few weeks later.
Ultrasounds are the best! Everytime I got to see him, I would fill with uncontrollable emotions and laugh with tears streaming down my face. I'm sure the ultrasound tech was irritated because my stomach would bounce with laughter. I've always wanted an older brother ever since I've seen the bond between my good friend Alexa and ger older brother Erik. I always wanted to have a boy first ever since then, but as we were getting closer to finding out I was secretly hoping for a girl. In the end I knew it didn't matter. We found out on a Wednesday and had to keep the secret until Thursday the next day. You wouldn't think a day would be that hard but once you know it's a him, he is no longer an it. That Thursday was my mom's birthday so we had her cut the cake! It's a BOY!!
So time was passing and I was growing. Swelling in my feet and ankles were getting the best of me. Around thirty weeks time started slowing down. Weeks were going slow but the reality of having a baby in 10 weeks was getting real and it seemed so close. A lot of my friends were getting close or already having their babies and I'll admit I was wishing I was closer. Little did I know I did not have ten weeks left, nor did I have 5 like I thought I did. I had just hit my 35th week and all was well. We went camping that weekend in Idaho and also went down to Salt Lake City to see my cousins baby who had just been born. We came home Sunday night and I felt great. I had been cramping a little bit but thought it was no big deal and that my body was just changing to get ready for delivery. They didnt hurt, just a little annoying.
I went into work Monday morning, did the usual routine. I was working front desk and I was talking to my mom saying I was having cramps and she said just be careful and I told the girls at work about my cramping and back pain also, nothing seemed abnormal. I got up to shut the front door and I felt a little trickle run down my leg. I thought "you have got to be kidding me!? Did I just pee myself a little?" I took another step and thats when the dam broke. Uncontrollable liquid running down my legs. I was soaked! I stood there confused as what to do thinking "how am I going to make it back to the bathroom without anybody seeing me?" We had patients but we weren't that busy. THANK GOODNESS!! I headed back to the bathroom confused because I felt fine, just looked like I peed my pants. I went to the bathroom and did go pee. I thought to myself okay, I couldn't have just peed my pants because who can pee that much!? So I called Jake and told him I think my water broke.
Jake: You think or you know?
Me: I think so....I couldn't stop it and it was a lot.
Jake: ....Okay well I'll call Clydelle (his aunt) and she will come get you and meet me at home.
The thing is, this week we were going to get everything done. Insurance, carpet in babies room, bags packed, and all the other small details. None of that happened! Our bags were almost packed and his room was getting closer, but we weren't ready. We rounded everything up within ten minutes and were about to leave almost forgetting the carseat. We grabbed it and left. We got to the hospital around noon and I got into the room and they were checking me to make sure my water really did break. The first test came back negative, I was like WTH if my water didn't break then what the heck was that!? I was starting to feel real dumb. She did a second test that takes 20 min to see the results and she also checked my cervix. If my water broke fluid would come out when she checked me, it didnt. I was dilated to a one and 30% thinned out. After she left and came back I told her I had leaked fluid, this time it was pink. TMI I know...SORRY!!
She re did the first test and it came back positive, checked the second one and it was positive as well. We were going to have a baby soon!
Because my water broke we had to get the baby out and there was no stalling, we had to get this baby out. Problem is... I wasn't progressing, they had to give me patocin. I would guess I got the patocin around 3 and I was feeling these lovely contractions. I still wasnt progressing like I should so they kept upping the dose. I was in pain!! Since I was still only at a one, but 70% thinned out I couldn't get an epidural. My contractions were coming on so hard and so close together I just wanted to cry. In got an IV pain reliever called fentinol or something and that was supposed to take the "edge" off. It didn't. It just made me really loopy and tired. Around 10:30 they checked me and I was now dialated to a three. I said give me the epidural. I was then at peace. Almost 12 hours of labor with no epidural, I thought that was pretty good. I still wasn't moving like I should so they kept upping the dose of patocin. I didn't care, I couldn't feel it. Around three o clock I woke up to 4 nurses coming into my room. Babies heart rate had dropped because he couldn't handle the stress of the hard and fast contractions. They moved me into a few different positions and nothing was working so they put me on oxygen and gave me a shot to stop the contractions and took me off patocin. My body stopped contracting all together. So..... they put me back on patocin, a lighter dose. The monitor wasn't reading my contractions very well so they insurted a stem type thing that goes up into my uterus and by the baby. The nurses came in around 6 and asked if I wanted them to check me. I said yes. I was fully dialated and ready to go. They made me wait until 7 before I started pushing so that my body could move him down the birth canal a little further on its own.
I started pushing just after 7. After about 6 contractions baby boy was here. He had the cord wrapped around his neckd his face was blue but once that was removed he let out this unforgettable little cry. I started crying and they put him on my chest. He was sticky and white and I just remember my right hand holding his little bum. I didn't get a good look at him because my eyes were filled with tears and 20 seconds later they took him from me. I could still see him and his little body over with the nurses, he looked so tiny. They had put him on oxygen. They then took him away completely and took Jake also down to the NICU. After about 15 minutes Jakee back to the room. Baby boy weighed 5 lbs 13.1 ounces and 19 inches long!! We were thrilled considering we thought he was only going to weigh about 5 lbs. They finished me up and put me in a wheel chair to go see my baby. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to see. My newborn baby boy hooked up to all these wires. I couldn't hold him and could barely touch him. It was so hard to take in that we didnt stay long, besides that we were exhausted. We headed back up to our room. Nurses kept saying you guys need to sleep and get your rest. How in the heck am I supposed to do that when you keep coming in every hour!? We didn't sleep much that day but planned on getting a good sleep that night. I went down to see Hudson around 8 that night and the nurse let me hold him for the first time. It was very emotional. We slept great that night...considering.
Now going into the rough part. I hold him, I see him, I touch him. I don't feel like he's mine. He got takin away from me so quickly that everything feels like a blur. Was I really pregnant? Did I just go through 21 hours of labor? Is that my baby? My whole pregnancy seemed to be a dream. I cherished every minute I got to see and hold him but it still doesn't feel real and I feel guilty for saying that. I thought to myself I'm going to be okay going home without him, he is in good hands and he will be okay. Besides that, it didn't seem real. I think I was kind of in a state of shock with the whole thing. I seemed okay on the outside but I think thats because my mind didn't know how to handle it. I came to the realization that we were not going to go home with him minutes after he was born. He is such a strong little boy and I know he is fighting his hardest. I cannot hold him long or do any motherly duties like bath him or change his diapers or even feed him. I think that is the hardest part and the biggest reason I felt that he wasn't mine. So we had him Tuesday morning and Wednesday I was ready to go home. They said I could stay until Thursday morning and then they could transfer me to another room for a "hotel stay" for 15$ a night. We figured we have family close enough and we don't live too far that we would make it work. We pack up our bags and head down to see him one last time before we leave. He's doing good, still on a ventilator and still pretty sedated. We said our good byes and headed for the door. As soon as we walk out that door emotions took over and I lost it. This isn't how its supposed to be! I'm his mom and I shouldn't be going home without him. He is mine. Nobody can prepare you for this... nobody. It is the hardest walk I have ever had to make.
We headed to our uncle's house to pick up Oakley. She was so excited to see us. We came home and wound down a little bit and then headed to bed. All three of us laying there, I thought this is us, we're back together....but then again we aren't, something was missing. There was no baby in my belly, he wasn't here. I lost it again. This is sooo hard. I have the biggest supporter and that is Jake. Watching him go through this emotional time with me brings out a whole other side of him. He is my rock. I love him more than words can explain. He is already the best daddy and so protective. He watches out for me and helps me every way possible. We are taking this day by day. I know one day Hudson will be home, pulling all the tupperwear out of the kitched drawers. Until then we pray. I know Heavenly Father has a big part in this and he is looking over our little family. Thanks for all your support. We really appreciate it.
xoxo
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